


MAP

by Sisslen



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Adommy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 10:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3406535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sisslen/pseuds/Sisslen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being in love with your best friend isn’t easy, and whoever said that it gets easier over time, must have been delusional. Actually it gets worse every minute of every day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	MAP

The first time he ever laid eyes on him, his heart skipped a beat, but it was a night at the Glamnation tour, when Tommy crawled into his bed, that Adam knew, he could never remove Tommy from his heart.

It's been almost 5 years now. In that time a lot of things had happened. For one Adam had loved someone else; Sauli.

He had given his heart to Sauli, but the thing was; his heart was never truly free to give. Adam only just realized that later on and Adam had a feeling that Sauli did too.  
They had both known it was time to let go if they wanted to stay in each other's lives afterwards.  
The thing was though; Tommy was his best friend, his straight best friend. He would never be able to have him the way he wanted, but he couldn't love somebody else wholehearted either.

After a couple of months as a single man, Adam started burying himself in work, more than usual. He had to keep himself busy to keep his mind of how fucked up his heart was.

 

 

One afternoon when he had late lunch with his mom he came face to face with the problem though.  
They were a little into the lunch when his mother put down her cutlery and looked at him.

"What is going on with you Ad?"

For a moment Adam was taken aback by surprise and when he didn't had an answer his mom continued. "I'm really worried. In the beginning I thought it was the breakup between you and Sauli that made you hide behind work, but I'm starting to think that isn't the reason?"

She looked at him in that special way she had done since he was a little kid, that way were he felt like she could see into his mind.

"Mom, I'm okay, really."

"No you not. I know you, when you do this; burying your head in the sand, you are not fine sweetheart." Adam looked down at his hands, as his mom continued. "I can't figure out what's going on, but something is wrong."

For a few seconds there was silence, and then the words started flowing from Adam's mouth. "Well.. My breakup with Sauli wasn't because I didn't love him I just didn't love him enough. There is someone else who have snug his way into my heart a long time ago and I can't seem to get rid of him. When I realized that Sauli came in second I broke it off. He doesn't deserve that, he's amazing and need someone who can love him wholehearted."

Adam looked at his mom and gave her a crooked smile.

"I'm a mess mom and I don't know how to get back on track. I hadn't realized how much I loved this man, or rather how I loved this man. I do love him though and it's messed up. I can't make it stop, but I can't act on it either."

When Adam took a moment to gather his thoughts, looking down on his hands, he could feel his mom's eyes on him.

"It's Tommy isn't it?" Adam's head jerked up and he looked at his mom in surprise.

"How...?"

"I saw it 5 years ago when you meet him. Your eyes were glowing every time he was near you, when you talked about him, even when you thought about him." Adam smiled. She was probably right, he had never been good at hiding his emotions.

"I just thought you got over it."

"Yeah, so did I mom.." Adam trailed of and they sat there in silence for a while.

"What now then?"

"Nothing. As I said; I can't act on it. He’s my best friend and his straight. There is not much to do."

"Then you are just gonna live your life alone, longing for a man you don't have the guts to tell how much you love?" Adam was surprised of the tone of voice that his mom had. It seemed like she was getting really annoyed with him.

"I'll figure it out at some point. I know I can't have him and I hope my heart will come to understand it too with time."

"Adam, it's been almost 5 years. If your heart hasn't got the memo by now, I think it is safe to say it never will."

"Guess, thanks mom!" Adam was getting annoyed with her too. "What do you suggest I do then?!"

"Tell him!" Adam looked at his mom with surprise, thinking at first that she might be joking, but she was dead serious.

"I can't do that. It would ruin our friendship and it would be to no use."

"I think you give Tommy less credit than he deserves. He would never turn his back on you for loving him, you should know that by now. You need to tell him, and then let him decide what he wants to do with that information."

"I don't want my heart to get broken mom."

"Sweetheart it already is." Adam knew his mom was right about that. He was living with a broken heart, but telling Tommy would not fix that.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Weeks flew by. Adam still had his head buried in work. It kept him for going completely crazy, but at night when he was alone, his mind kept going back to his mother’s words.  
He had tried to look at it in every possible way since, but he still didn't believe it would be at any use to tell Tommy about his feelings.

It had been months since he had the time to see any of his friends, because of the workload he put himself in. He couldn't even remember the last time he had actually spoken to Tommy. That made it very easy to ignore the awkwardness of the situation.  
Then the invitation for Sutan's birthday party came along and Adam knew it was time to meet his fear face on.

 

2 minutes after he arrived at Sutan's party he literally walked into Tommy. He was on his way into the kitchen when Tommy tried to get out.

"Easy there Glitterbaby, you might hurt yourself." Adam was smiling big when he looked at Tommy. No matter how hard it was to face him, it was nice to see him too.

"Hey rock star! Thought you'd fallen of the earth!" Tommy was grinning at him and looking like his usual wonderful self.

"Sorry, just got a little carried away with work stuff."

"Yeah, I know. It's all good man. Just hoping you're okay?" There it was again. How the hell did he get so freaking bad at hiding his emotions?!

"I'm fine." Tommy raised an eyebrow. "Really." He assured him with a laugh.

"I don't know if I believe that Babyboy, but I trust you to tell me if you need me. Otherwise I know you can handle your shit."

"Thanks Tommy Joe." Adam leaned in and hugged him, leaving a kiss on Tommy's temple. "Anyway, time to catch up. Tell me all about what's been up with you lately."

“Not that much actually. You know me, I like my alone time.” Tommy grinned at him, which made Adam’s heart skip a beat. If only Tommy knew what he was doing to him.

 

Adam had a good time at Sutan’s party, but the weeks after wasn’t easy.

His mind kept circling back to the time he spent with Tommy. The small familiar touches that suddenly felt different at the same time. Tommy’s beautiful smile and the way he fit himself into Adam’s side. It was torture and wonderful.  
Being in love with your best friend isn’t easy, and who ever said that it gets easier over time, must have been delusional. Actually it gets worse every minute of every day.  
Adam wanted to spend as much time that he could with Tommy, but on the other hand he couldn’t do it, because he knew it would be torture to his broken heart.

 

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Four months after his lunch date with his mom, he had managed to keep away from Tommy, beside from band practice and Sutan’s party. Now he was faced with the promo tour for his third album, and a lot of time on the road, just him and Tommy.

The first few nights it was good fun. He loved being back on the stage in front of his loving fans. Sharing the moments with Tommy was actually good fun too. The problem came, when Tommy demanded movie night, just as in the old days.  
Food was ordered and Tommy kicked of his shoes and crawled into Adam’s bed. Adam managed to get through the night, without being too weird about it all, but afterwards it all came crashing down on him.

He was lying on his side, looking at Tommy sleeping. His blond hair was fanned out on the pillow, his lips were slightly parted and his long eyelashes flicked now and then. Adam had an urge to reach out and touch him, but he didn’t dare to do so, fearing that it would wake Tommy up.  
It reminded him about the first time he laid like this, that night on Glam nation tour, when Tommy crawled into his bed for the first time.

He couldn’t imagine his life without this man. How he managed so many years before he meet him was beyond him. Tommy was everything he had ever wanted in a man. Beautiful, sexy, shy, funny, clever, dark, loving, warm, just everything.  
Adam rolled onto his back, looking up into the ceiling. He had to remove himself emotionally from Tommy. Otherwise his heart wouldn’t last through this tour.

 

It lasted exactly two days before Tommy figured something was wrong.

They were out on a bar somewhere with the crew, relaxing after yet another gig. Tommy sat close to Adam, but when he leaned into his side, Adam moved away with a jerk. Tommy gave him a questioning look, trying to figure out what just happened. Adam just smiled at him, and turned in his seat to talk to one of the guys from their crew.  
Adam thought he got out of it, even though it had been awkward like hell. Tommy was usually very laid back and probably figured that Adam was just on edge tonight.

When they came back to the hotel though, Adam realized different. It was only seconds after saying goodnight to them all, that a knock on his door, made him jump his skin. When he opened the door, Tommy was standing there looking hurt. Adam stepped aside and let him in, braising himself for whatever was to come.

“What is going on with us?” Tommy asked, looking him straight in the eye.

“I’m not sure what you mean?”

“Drop the act Adam! You know what I’m talking about. You have been avoiding me for months now, I hoped it was because you were busy, but tonight confirmed my suspicion, you have actually been avoiding me.”

“That’s not true..” Tommy cut him off.

“Stop! Fuck that shit! I’m not blind man. I know you, so I know when you blow me off too. What I don’t know though is why, and I would like you to answer that like fucking now!”

Tommy was getting worked up, and Adam could hear the hurt in his voice too. It made his heart clench. It had never been his intention to hurt Tommy, he just wanted to keep himself safe from hurt.

“Tommy, I’m sorry. It’s nothing you’ve done, believe me. It’s all me. I… I just need space right now okay?”

“But why?” Adam didn’t know how to answer that. He couldn’t tell him the truth, but he didn’t want to lie to him either. That was not the relationship they had.

“I can’t tell you. The only thing you need to know, and to believe is that it’s not you. You are perfect. I just.. I’m fucked up and I need to find a way to get back on track.” Tommy sat down on the bed. Adam had to look down on his feet, he couldn’t stand the hurt look in Tommy’s eyes.

“I know that something has been wrong for a long time between us. I don’t know why and now you are telling me to give you space, without telling me why? How do you think that makes me feel? You’re my best friend man. I can’t just turn my back and walk away from this. You need to be honest with me and tell me what is going on.”

“Tommy, please don’t…” Tommy moved back into the bed, resting against the headboard, crossing his arms and legs.

“I’m not leaving till you tell me what I have done to make you avoid me.”

“Tommy, I told you! It’s not you, it’s me okay?!” Adam was getting frustrated like hell.

“Shut the fuck up and sit down.” Tommy was pointing to the space beside him in the bed. Adam did what he was asked. He knew Tommy well, and he could be stubborn like hell too. “Now, tell me what is going on and the truth this time okay? Not that ‘it’s me, not you’ crap. I must have done something that got your panties in a twist and you need to tell me.” Adam couldn’t help but smile. This was one of the reasons why he loved this man so freaking much. He was never afraid to address the problem head on.

“You haven’t done anything to get my panties in a twist.” Tommy gave him his crocked smile. “I just… When I broke it off with Sauli I had a really hard time getting my shit together. I just needed some time to figure it all out and make my heart stop bleeding.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it wasn’t a lie either.  
There was silence for a while, while Tommy was looking at Adam like he was searching Adam’s soul.

“Bullshit. This has nothing to do with Sauli and everything to do with me. I really hate that you don’t feel like you can talk to me about everything.” Tommy was getting up from the bed, picking up his shoes and heading for the door. He looked so hurt, that Adam felt tears starting to form in his eyes, because he was the one to make Tommy feel like that. “I will keep smiling through this tour, and I will do what I always do on stage with you, but when we get home I will give you your space. I hope that when you're ready to tell me the truth and go back to being the man that I love being around, you’ll call me.”

Tommy had almost reached the door, when Adam got so scared of losing this man forever that the words just slipped out. “Don’t leave me! I can’t be without you.” He turned around in the bed, facing Tommy. “Please…? Please don’t leave…”

Tommy stopped in his track and turned to look at him. “I’m not leaving you Adam, you left me months ago. You left me behind somewhere and I can’t seem to get back in.”

“I love you.” Adam looked Tommy straight in the eye when he told him. He stopped being afraid of telling him the moment he became more afraid of losing him if he didn’t.

“What?” Tommy looked very confused.

“I’m in love with you. Like, I’ve been in love with you for almost 5 years.” Adam had to look down at his hands as soon as he said it. He was too afraid to see what he was convinced Tommy’s eyes were telling him right now.

“How? I mean.. 5 years? Wow..” There was silence for a moment. “But you loved Sauli, you…” Tommy trailed of.

“Yeah, I did love Sauli. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. What I came to realize though was, that Sauli came in second. That’s why I broke it off. It wasn’t fair.” Adam looked up at Tommy. He was standing at the same spot, his moth hanging slightly open. “I love you. I have been in love with you since the first time you crawled into my bed to do movie night on tour. My mom told me to tell you, but I know you could never love me like that. You’re straight. I just didn’t want to fuck up our friendship, but when you were about to walk out just now, my fear of losing you like this, was stronger that my fear of losing you because you can’t love me back.”

  
After a minute whit complete silence, Tommy started to move. He came back to the bed and sat down beside Adam.

“The first time I saw you on stage I knew that I could never leave your side. You are this force of nature up there, that makes my world spin like crazy and I love it. The first time I realized that it wasn’t only on stage that you consumed my world, was the first night you spooned me, after we had fallen asleep doing one of our many movie nights.” Adam was captivated by Tommy’s words. He was sitting in complete silence and just listened, not knowing where Tommy was going with all this. “I woke up because of it, and realized very quickly that you were doing it in your sleep. It made me feel safe. Like the world could come crashing down on us and nothing would happen, because you were there to keep me safe from harm. It scared the shit out of me. No matter how I tried to get rid of the feeling, I soon came to realize that I couldn’t escape it. You had my heart and you became my world. In the end I accepted it and I was actually fine with it. Until Sauli came along.” Tommy stopped and looked at Adam for a second. He gave him a soft smile and then continued. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Sauli. I mean, how can you not right?” There it was again, that smile. “What I didn’t love though was to see him with you and how happy he made you. He took you away from me, and I hated that. Furthermore, I hated myself for feeling that way. You were happy, so I should be happy for you, but the thing was, you were my everything, my world and now somebody else had that. That’s when I realized.” Tommy stopped and looked Adam in the eye.

Adam expected him to continue, but he didn’t. After a while Adam had to know. “You realized what?”

“You can’t figure it out, can you?” Tommy smiled at him again. “Of course you can’t because you never open your eyes and see what is right there, do you?” Adam was more than a little confused by now. Tommy didn’t seem mad at him, more like humored. “I love you. I have been in love with you for a long time, maybe just about as long as you have loved me. I realized it when Sauli came into your life, but unlike you, I dealt with it. I learned to be around you, loving what we had instead of regretting what we hadn’t.”

Now it was Adam’s time to stare with his mouth open. How the hell did he become this blind? How did he not see that what he had with Tommy was more to him too?

“So what you are saying is; that you and I have been in love with each other for 5 years, without realizing that the other one felt the same way?”

“Pretty much yeah.” Tommy smiled.

“But you… You’re straight.”

Tommy laughed. “I think it’s safe to say, that you changed that.” That made Adam laugh too. “Truth be told, I have been attracted to guys before, but never in the way that I am with you. I have never been in love. I didn’t try to hide it from anyone, but I never gave my sexuality that much thought. You know me. I go with what my heart tells me.” They sat there in silence for a while, just looking at each other. “Please say something.”

Adam didn’t. Instead he leaned in and kissed him. Slow and passionated. Adam’s hand came up to cup his cheek and slowly made its way into his hair. When they came up for air, Adam smiled at him. This beautiful, million watt smile, that was so familiar and yet different. “Or you can just do that.”

“I love you Tommy Joe.” Adam leaned in and rested his forehead against Tommy’s. “I love you so fucking much.”


End file.
